I have a plan to pick up chicks.
\nI now have a lighter. Someone bought it over the weekend and left it in the car I was driving. I’ve never owned a lighter before. I’m going to carry it around so I can light the cigarettes of girls who need their cigarettes lit, because, that’s how you can pick up chicks. (I learned this on television.)
\nSo I need to find a chick I like, and then I need to get her to want to have a cigarette. What I might do is use my psychological training, because I learned about the way you can put an idea in someone’s head without them noticing, like Derren Brown does on that TV show. I don’t have good facial hair like Derren Brown but I do have an honours degree in psychology, so I’m confident I can do it.what I’ll do is, I’ll find a cute girl and I’ll subtly gesture with my fingers in such a way as to catch her eye, and then I’ll really quickly mime as if I was putting something cylindrical (like, say, a cigarette) in my mouth. I’ll have to do it so quickly that she won’t be sure if she actually saw it. (I could do it twice for extra effect but really fast both times.) That will put a subliminal suggestion in her brain that she should have a cigarette.
\nThen I’ll need to hurry outside. Because it is smoke-free in bars and cafes here. But smokers congregate outside, and I think if a woman is smart she’ll ask for a light from someone who is already smoking, and I won’t be smoking. So I think I’ll need to prepare for this and ensure she asks me for a light and not someone else. Maybe I could stand around nonchalantly holding the lighter, and issue a significant cough when she comes out the door? That would probably work. Or maybe I could sort of casually talk to myself a little bit, to suggest that I’d be really good at conversation. (Even better – I can say something to myself and then laugh, because then she’ll think I’m funny.)
\nThe lighter is still in its plastic blister on the cardboard backing. I’ll keep it in the packaging, I think, because that way, when she says,’do you have a light’ I can say ‘yes’ and she’ll say ‘i bet you use this technique all the time to pick up chicks’ and I’ll bring out the lighter and say ‘but how can that be the case if my lighter is still in its plastic blister on the cardboard backing?’ So she’ll think she’s special.
\nI’m actually not very good at making them light. It’s a bit of a personal incompetence. So I need to have a plan to cope with this. I think what I’ll do is, when I hold out the lighter ready to light it, I will look amazed at something over her shoulder so she will look at that and not at me as I work at lighting it. Or maybe I will throw some salt in her eye? (Note to self: get some salt.)
\nAnd if she turns back\/rubs the salt away too quickly and I still haven’t lit it then I’ll say that I did light it but I got bored of waiting for her to notice so I let it go out, and that she has missed her chance, which will give me mystique (ladies find that irresistible). And then if she asks me to light it again I’ll do the salt thing again to buy more time.
\nThen it’ll be easy, because we can have a conversation which is my forte. I can talk about how sometimes I fight crime.
\nBut you know, the one problem is, I’m really not interested in women who smoke, because they’ll probably die younger, and I don’t see the point of putting effort into a relationship when she won’t be able to stay the distance. So I think I’ll have to pick up the friend of the woman who is smoking, the one who is looking upset that her friend is doing something bad for her health, but not who is hectoring her, because that isn’t very attractive either. She will be resigned but caring and supportive but hopeful and healthy but not obsessive. We will be so happy together!
\nAnd if something goes wrong and I need to make a quick getaway, I can do that salt trick another time. That never stops being effective.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have a plan to pick up chicks. I now have a lighter. Someone bought it over the weekend and left it in the car I was driving. I’ve never owned a lighter before. I’m going to carry it around so I can light the cigarettes of girls who need their cigarettes lit, because, that’s … Continue reading My Plan To Pick Up Chicks<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-305","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8D9ZE-4V","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/305","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=305"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/305\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=305"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=305"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/morgue.isprettyawesome.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=305"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}