Xmas Re-post: Desperately Seeking Santa

(from 9 November 2004)
Voiceover man: In a world
(Santacorp high-rise on the Arctic wastes)
Voiceover man: where Christmas means business
(interior Santacorp CEO office. CEO reading a child’s letter)
CEO: “Dear Santa, blah blah, I’ve been very good all year, brownnose brownnose brownnose… ah, here we go: what I want for Christmas is…(he flips the page) my little brother to get better?” (stops reading) Who let this get through?
(shot of nervous, cowering elves with pointy green hats in their hands)
Voiceover man: Now
(shot of the elves running from the room, chased by the raging CEO who is throwing their hats after them)
Voiceover man: the most unlikely heroes
(shot of the elves fighting amongst themselves Three Stooges style)
Voiceover man: must find the one man
(shot of elves marching out through the reception area of the Santacorp high-rise)
Voiceover man: who can put things right
(closeup of one elf who seems to be in charge)
Elf: We gotta find Nick.
(a boardroom meeting at Santacorp.)
CEO: Saint Nick, Santa Claus, Father Christmas – he’s old news. History. We need something fresh.
(CEO standing in front of a small audience, giving a big speech)
CEO: Allow me to introduce the new face of Christmas: Santa Rhymez
(zoom in on a black dude wearing a red gangbanger vest and shades, with swimsuit ladies hanging off him and lots and lots of jewellery.)
Santa Rhymez: Yo. What’s digging y’all?
(Elf talking to a policeman on the streets of New York)
Elf: Excuse me, sir? I was wondering if you could help me?
(The policeman is kneeling down, eager to help.)
Elf: We’re looking for a magical fat man in a red coat.
(Cell door closing on the elf, who is kicking and shouting)
(Santa Rhymez addressing a group of teenagers)
Santa Rhymez: “Remember, there’s a reason for the season: tha ka-CHING-CHING-CHING!”
(Shot of the elves beating the crap out of a guy in a Santa suit)
Voiceover man: This Christmas
(Elves gathering around a table, lit by the torches in their high-tech goggles. They unroll a blueprint of Santacorp’s high-rise.)
Voiceover man: Get ready
(Shot of the elves abseiling down the outside of the building in a blizzard. Something SWOOPS past the camera.)
Elf: I don’t think we’re alone out here.
(SUDDENLY a RAGING REINDEER SPRINGS INTO VIEW behind the elf)
(Shot of elves breakdancing in a nightclub)
Voiceover man: To get merry
(A flame-filled cave. Standing in the centre is the Devil.)
The Devil: I’m Old Nick.
Elf: Ah. Well, we’re looking for Saint Nick.
The Devil: Sure, sure. It’s a common mistake.
(cut to TITLE)
Voiceover man: Desperately Seeking Santa
(Santa Rhymez with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.)
Santa Rhymez: Ho ho ho!
(the woman slaps him)
Woman: Watch your mouth!
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It’s a game idea that took on a life of its own. As with so many things, blame ubiquitous_cat…