On Saturday night, after a grooving salsa concert at the Gardens, George and I cut through the rose garden area on our way to the city. That function venue there had something on so, being curious wee buggers, we wandered up to check it out.
It was a wedding reception. The bride and groom were nowhere to be seen, so they must already have disappeared off into honeymoonland. We pegged one of the people dancing as the best man, and an older woman who joined them on the dancefloor was obviously the groom’s mother; a guy we ID’d as groom’s father was on the edge of the dancefloor kicking out some truly inspired and individual dance moves by himself. There were two bridesmaids on the dancefloor, one of them blonde and the other dark-haired, and best man clearly wanted to get with blondie. He was doing the making-a-fool-of-himself thing, and making conversation with everyone else who got near to him except for her. I’m just waiting for the right moment. And then I will strike! Watch me dance, I’m a legend! She, for her part, was clearly waiting for him to make a move on her, any move – I’m a bridesmaid, how can any man resist me? (If I can’t pull as a bridesmaid, does that mean something is wrong with me?) – and waiting and waiting, talking to a few other guys who fancied their chances but clearly weren’t in the running.
We watched this unfolding for over half an hour. We could have watched more. It was pretty obvious that bestman and blondie weren’t going to hook up, because his right moment was never going to arrive in a form that he’d recognise, and she was already making all the moves she knew how to make by wearing a pretty dress and smiling at him. Sad, really – both keen but absolutely unable to put it together. But haven’t we all been there?
Rule of thumb for girls wanting boys: be way more obvious than you ever imagined needing to be. If you maintain plausible deniability, he won’t get it. (Or just bloody well make the move yourself, of course.)
Rule of thumb for boys wanting girls: be way more forward than you are comfortable with. If you’re comfortable, then you’re not actually making a move.
Bonus explanation of other stuff: This is, of course, part of the reason why there’s this guy-mythology that girls love assholes. Really, it isn’t that girls love assholes, its that girls fall for guys that actually make a move on them. Ye asshole, possessed of unwarranted self-confidence (itself born of lack of insight), he maketh the move, and he getteth the girl.
Tomorrow: morgue explains Relations Between The Generations using for illustration a mildly amusing experience he had at the supermarket.
24 thoughts on “Morgue Explains Relations Between The Sexes”
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I went to that concert, it wasn’t too bad.
This pointless comment has been brought to you by…
Andrew 🙂
p.s. I’ve seen that situation in many a social situation.
Speak forth ye wisdom o Morgue, that we may all prosper.
could you provide wise counsel on what to do when you think you’re quite keen on someone. So you are incredibly obvious, and then they become keen on you and then you decide you’re not really keen on them afterall.
Well, moreplease, I’ve found moving permanently to the other side of the world is a pretty effective solution to these sorts of dilemmas. So get to it!
But, dammnit, the knowledge doesn’t really make it easier, does it?
Or is that just me?
It! Never! Gets! Any! Easier!
I have a bridge analogy on that one: Always bid on 13 points. You never know, maybe the other person has 13 points and you’ve got enough for a game. 🙂
(Although, having said that, if you get turned down, try not to make the other person feel bad about it. There are things worse than being presented with the 6 page double sided story of someone’s life and how miserable they are with especial attention to how you figure in the tragedy, but it ain’t going to encourage reconsidering except just possibly out of guilt.)
Hi Morgan! [waves]
Your bridge analogy sounds great, except it took me a long time to figure out that you didn’t mean a contraption for crossing rivers, and also I don’t understand bridge at all. But I think I get the gist.
I am assuming the 6 pages is something that really happened which you will tell me about next time we are in the same room.
Hi Stephanie!
Generally speaking you advice seems sound. 🙂 Though my experience has typically been that obvious or subtle makes little difference in the long term if you’re both interested.
(Lengthy and detailed explanation for non bridge players:)
When I was learning to play bridge (I’m not that good a player, but I know the rules), I was taught a very common method to evaluate the relative strength of my hand based on how many face cards I had. If you and your partner between you have 26 points, you’re probably going to succeed in a contract to game (a good thing). If neither of you says anything about the 13 points you’ve got, you’ll never find out that you could have made game.
I’ll maybe tell you about it, but it’ll probably have to wait until I’m a little bit drunk.
So you could be waiting a while there Morgue. 😉
Contract bridge could probably also wait until alcohol is involved…
Well I don’t know anything about bridge, nor do I understand women, so I think there must be a connection.
Stephanie, I too would like to reserve a place when you tell this story. What’s your preferred tipple?
Hi Morgue, fellow adventurer to the lair of Zarkon!
It’s not that good a story. It really isn’t.
Steph, you understand, don’t you, that it is officially Too Late Now(TM)?
I for one look forward to this epic tale.
Actually, I think it might be even more amusing to concoct our own story, and take whatever she says as confirmation of said story. 🙂
I hope you make up something interesting is all. Be creative. Put your back into it, man.
Back to the original point of this post, my Dad is reputed to have once said: “For God’s sake, jump her. She’s driving us all nuts.” Apparently, the person whom he said it to was particularly oblivious to a rather obvious pass. Something about a girl wearing a shirt with no sides doing some display fencing. The friend who told me this said that she was quite distracting. The mind boggles.
Let me see. I think it all began back in ’02 while you were a mercenary in Angola…
Yes, but my Dad was a mercenary in Ghana (or so he claimed.) You’re going to have to get _much_ more bizarre than that.
*shrug* I’ve always been told that truth is stranger than fiction. 🙂
Don’t shrug, mash. Clearly you have some insight into the truth of the situation. Please carry on and share it. Bonus points if you include monkeys, Mormons or merkins.
“merkins” – I am shocked and appalled that you should know such a word. I had to look it up in Wikipedia.
Let the bidding commence. 😉
I totally agree. I am the sort of person that isn’t afraid to make a move and approach a girl, I have the courage and the determination to actually go and chat to the female species and ask them out for a coffee or some such. However I totally lack the personality and physical appeal to back up such a move so I ultimately fail in my goal every time. I do however support your idea of girls being more direct. Guys are stupid when it comes to guessing games and getting the hint. We like directness, we NEED it.
I think we all need some signal that is uiversal. Hold your hand up with the fingers in a certain way means “I’m interested, what do you say we havw a chat” and they either respond with the “Sure thing, come on over” gesture, or the “Wouldn’t be seen dead with you” signal. It could work both ways, and all anyone needs to know is 3 little gestures.
Might be a little tricky for those unfortunate enough to have played peaknuckle with an auger machine but I’m sure there’d be acceptable handicapped person versions too, or even a guide monkey or something.
Guide monkeys for single people! YES! This could solve everyone’s problems, and you have an instant first conversation topic (“that’s a cute monkey”)!