I have a plan to pick up chicks.
I now have a lighter. Someone bought it over the weekend and left it in the car I was driving. I’ve never owned a lighter before. I’m going to carry it around so I can light the cigarettes of girls who need their cigarettes lit, because, that’s how you can pick up chicks. (I learned this on television.)
So I need to find a chick I like, and then I need to get her to want to have a cigarette. What I might do is use my psychological training, because I learned about the way you can put an idea in someone’s head without them noticing, like Derren Brown does on that TV show. I don’t have good facial hair like Derren Brown but I do have an honours degree in psychology, so I’m confident I can do it.what I’ll do is, I’ll find a cute girl and I’ll subtly gesture with my fingers in such a way as to catch her eye, and then I’ll really quickly mime as if I was putting something cylindrical (like, say, a cigarette) in my mouth. I’ll have to do it so quickly that she won’t be sure if she actually saw it. (I could do it twice for extra effect but really fast both times.) That will put a subliminal suggestion in her brain that she should have a cigarette.
Then I’ll need to hurry outside. Because it is smoke-free in bars and cafes here. But smokers congregate outside, and I think if a woman is smart she’ll ask for a light from someone who is already smoking, and I won’t be smoking. So I think I’ll need to prepare for this and ensure she asks me for a light and not someone else. Maybe I could stand around nonchalantly holding the lighter, and issue a significant cough when she comes out the door? That would probably work. Or maybe I could sort of casually talk to myself a little bit, to suggest that I’d be really good at conversation. (Even better – I can say something to myself and then laugh, because then she’ll think I’m funny.)
The lighter is still in its plastic blister on the cardboard backing. I’ll keep it in the packaging, I think, because that way, when she says,’do you have a light’ I can say ‘yes’ and she’ll say ‘i bet you use this technique all the time to pick up chicks’ and I’ll bring out the lighter and say ‘but how can that be the case if my lighter is still in its plastic blister on the cardboard backing?’ So she’ll think she’s special.
I’m actually not very good at making them light. It’s a bit of a personal incompetence. So I need to have a plan to cope with this. I think what I’ll do is, when I hold out the lighter ready to light it, I will look amazed at something over her shoulder so she will look at that and not at me as I work at lighting it. Or maybe I will throw some salt in her eye? (Note to self: get some salt.)
And if she turns back/rubs the salt away too quickly and I still haven’t lit it then I’ll say that I did light it but I got bored of waiting for her to notice so I let it go out, and that she has missed her chance, which will give me mystique (ladies find that irresistible). And then if she asks me to light it again I’ll do the salt thing again to buy more time.
Then it’ll be easy, because we can have a conversation which is my forte. I can talk about how sometimes I fight crime.
But you know, the one problem is, I’m really not interested in women who smoke, because they’ll probably die younger, and I don’t see the point of putting effort into a relationship when she won’t be able to stay the distance. So I think I’ll have to pick up the friend of the woman who is smoking, the one who is looking upset that her friend is doing something bad for her health, but not who is hectoring her, because that isn’t very attractive either. She will be resigned but caring and supportive but hopeful and healthy but not obsessive. We will be so happy together!
And if something goes wrong and I need to make a quick getaway, I can do that salt trick another time. That never stops being effective.
18 thoughts on “My Plan To Pick Up Chicks”
Comments are closed.
I wonder if you shouldn’t dance a little, while you wait for her to come out of the cafe, so that she will see that you’re fun?
I wonder if you shouldn’t ask Steve to send you over one of his shirts, so she’ll that you’re…um….one of his mates.
I could go up to the girl and annoy her before hand if you want. That way you can come up and be like the ‘guy who saves her from the jerk’, but if you don’t need that i’ll be waiting outside in the batmobile, so that your getaway will be sooper slick, should you need it 😉
If you can implant ideas in others heads, why do you need the lighter at all? All together now “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for”.
PS I did some field trials on the cigarette lighter as a pick up strategy (often in conjunction with the “giving a ride home” strategy) in the mid nineties, without much success. Of course, I was much less sophisticated and worldly then.
You guys are all crazy.
Just tell her you’re from Auckland. It’s important if you want to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.
Well, if you *do* get arrested for making an offensive gesture in public (namely, miming felatio) then I’ll bail you out!
If more people were level-headed and thought these things out in advance, I’m sure there would be fewer unhappy single people in the world.
Possibly there would be more blind girls though.
ROFL.
I’ve carried a lighter for years. But I don’t smoke, so the question I almost always get is “why are you carrying a lighter”, and then the backing off slowly when I begin to tell them about the fire god, and how he has blessed me…
You could just start carrrying a small pouch with a bunch of really useful things that girls always need. Such as lip gloss, tampons, a comb, a nail file and if you are really ambitious, condoms (boys may already carry these, I have not been in a boys’ wallet in a while). This way you will have both smokers and non-smokers covered. Smokers are icky anyways, they taste like nasty.
🙂
my god you are amazing. No, you are better than that…..
I once contimplated this very idea, but I when I thought about it/planned it with the same details as a bank heist, and just decided that it was easier to get her drunk……
oooohhhh, Cat’s onto a winner. If you have tampons, then when you throw salt in her eye and you forget that your arms are really long and you accidentally hit her in the nose, you’ll be able to plug it up before her new white boob tube is ruined.
So, based on your theory I agree with Samm.
Instead of imitating the action of having a cigarette, modify slightly a la Scott A, or flag that and just thrust your hips a little, twice really fast.
Judging by my many experiments over the years of hip thrusting dancing on the streets and dancefloor of so many cities, however, I’d say that that honours in Psychology really better help.
I like the salt tactic, may adopt that as a fallback option of my own, thanks.
I’ll send the shirt over then as per Cal’s suggestion. I’ll have a think about which one would suit you best.
I think you should modify the most effective part of your strategy though and instead of wasting space carrying a lighter, carry a bigger bag of salt and a handkerchief. Loiter around the girls toilet area, pulling of some funky dance moves (even more effective when there is no music as it shows you to be a free spirited, fancy free, crazy, fun guy) and when you spot an attractive girl hit her in the eyes with the salt.
Then whilst she is blinded; offer her your handkerchief and start in with the Morgue patented pysch chat, ask her something about her childhood and then tie that in to how amazing you are and that you fight crime.
Success.
I knew I’d been doing it all wrong.
Thanks for the tips!
G
You could bounce up to her on a space hopper, just to demonstrate your devil-may-care, fun loving side. Impress the lady of choice by bouncing up to eye level, holding the space hopper by one hand and lighting her fag as you reach the top of your bouncing arc. An impressive display of physical fitness and manual dexterity. She’ll be your for the taking.
Combine this with Steves shirt and the many suggested other tems to have handy, you could be the next Hugh Hefner.*
Push on, my good man!
Cheers
Malc
*Only not so leathery, awful and not head of a porn empire. You’re not the head of a porn empire, are you? If you are, you really should have told me sooner.
Why not take the initiative? When you see an attractive woman, go up to her and ask if she has a light: if she says no, you can tell her it’s her lucky day because you have one. If that seems too indirect, you could ask her if she wants a light. That way, if she says yes, you know she smokes and you can skip town. Unless she doesn’t smoke and she wants the light for something else.
Awesome! Although if you are already carrying salt, you might as well get some tequila and limes and have something *really* good to offer!