Oscars 2K6: Criswell Predicts

I’m actually going to be able to indulge myself in crappitude and watch the Oscars this time out. Hooray! This year I predict that the stupid academy will do this:
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Joaquin Phoenix – WALK THE LINE
(Because the academy won’t like ticking for Greasy Reesey without also ticking for her co-star. Philip Seymour Hoffman ain’t gonna get it because Truman Capote is too much of a freak.)
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
George Clooney – SYRIANA
(The academy loves George, and they loved his Good Night and Good Luck, but they’re not gonna give him awards for that. So they can give him an award for this.)
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Greasy Reesey Witherspoon – WALK THE LINE
(It has to be. Oh well. She’s a great actress in great movies, she just gives off the noxious vibe of bad-attitude Hollywood to me..)
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Catherine Keener – CAPOTE
(Every damn year this one’s hard. It traditionally goes to The New Girl, which Keener sort of is even though she’s past her twenties. I think the academy will want to reward Capote’s acting, even though Phil ain’t gonna get the boy trophy, so they can give it here. Plus there’s that whole ‘we like To Kill A Mockingbird and Gregory Peck’ thing which, quite frankly, will seriously influence votes. Stupid academy.)
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
WALLACE & GROMIT AND THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT
(the academy sort of take the credit for this, because they gave Nick Park awards when he was just starting out in the Short Film category, so this one’s a shoo-in. Plus, Tim Burton’s goth sensibility is, like, SO 1990s, and Howl is that weird Japanese looking stuff.)
ART DIRECTION
GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK
(Kong is out because the academy’s sick of giving trophies to Weta, and the movie didn’t play so good. I think this will be a Clooney-love thing, actually. Plus: they smoke in this movie. That’s arty and daring now.)
CINEMATOGRAPHY
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
(the prettiness of this movie is a good thing)
COSTUME DESIGN
WALK THE LINE
(just like last year, call it a hunch)
DIRECTING
Ang Lee – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
(because he never actually made Hulk, you hear? That wasn’t him!)
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
MURDERBALL
(tricky category this year, but I reckon this one’s the ticket. It’s awesome.)
DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)
SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)
Don’t know any of the nominees. I hope they all win! Everyone should be a winner on the night.
FILM EDITING
MUNICH
(I am going with my gut on this one. Munich was an Important movie, and Spielberg is still technically awesome. Worth a punt.)
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
JOYEUX NOEL
(It’s Christmas in the trenches! Awww. The historical story wins it outright, knockout blow, hee yah!)
MAKEUP
STAR WARS III: THE RETURN OF THE SITH
(because, you know, that thing, with the scary Hayden Christiansen and stuff. Whatever. It’s in a category with Narnia and Cinderella Man, I mean, geez. At least the academy *saw* Star Wars 3..)
MUSIC (SCORE)
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
(it’s a movie about yearning, and if there

6 thoughts on “Oscars 2K6: Criswell Predicts”

  1. I was really impressed with your erudition… right until the end, when the lights came up and I realised it was all make believe. “how appropriate for a post about movies” I thought to myself.

  3. Mash: make believe? Dude, you totally don’t need to see the movies to play the Oscars game! As if the Academy voters watch all the movies! All you need to do is pay attention to Hollywood and Da Film Biz.
    (Not that I have the best prediction rate. I’m already copping flak for picking Wa-keen over PSH… but hey, I’m wild and craaaazy like that)

  5. I want to jump in on the entire Greasy Reesey point.
    First, I want to call you out as a band wagon jumper. I think that one of the only reasons you call her Greasy Reesey is because Kevin Smith did it.
    Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Reese Witherspoon. I think he has a big forehead and a big chin, and comes across as too sugary sweet (which is probably why America loves her).
    But, I think it’s a little unfair to jump on the bandwagon just because she rubbed Kevin Smith the wrong way. Kevin Smith is not god – exhibit a: Dogma. Reese Witherspoon is not the antichrist – she seems to genuinely love her husband and kids, or atleast can’t stop talking about them (which I have generally found to be a good indicator).
    And unless you’ve actually met her (which I don’t believe you have), you are making a judgement on what the mass-media has portrayed her as (which, admittedly, I am doing too). Do you really trust E! to be putting a truthful spin on things? Or would they, shock horror, spice things up to get good ratings?
    I think it’s just that I don’t like derogatory nicknames.
    Anyway, I’m rambling. But hopefully there are some valid points in there.

  6. JB: Fair cop. I’m a bit of a mean bastard about her, and I lifted the greasy thing from Kevin Smith. Something about her rubs me the wrong way I guess. Which, as you point out, doesn’t count for shit, because it’s hard for me to know much of anything about her through the media whirl.
    I’ll be a mean bastard no more. It’s kind of sad to do that anyway.
    Cheers bro!

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