Impending Fatherhood

Sometimes I actually do think about becoming a father in terms unrelated to undercooked pop-culture gags. (No, really, I do.)

Back in university student days I had some jeans that were covered in graffiti; my “word jeans” I called ’em.

One phrase was: “Strive to die to self”, which I think I lifted from a Christian-oriented poem by NZ writer Joy Cowley. It carried a secular meaning for me, about the need to make ourselves the least important part of our world; to direct our energies outwards, not inwards. I have a more nuanced position now when it comes to “selfishness”, but I still think those are mighty good words to live by.

Also on those word jeans was a quote from Jung: “A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.” (I think I deliberately mangled it so it read “Until you have passed through the inferno of your passions…”) It was intended to be a provocative statement to myself, but I will never forget how my mother pointed at it and said “you won’t understand that fully until you’ve had children”. At the time I expect I rolled my eyes and thought “how silly, that’s not what Jung was talking about” (even though what I meant by it was equally Jung-inappropriate). But it stuck with me, those words of my mother’s, because it suggested that parenthood is a powerful experience in a way that I didn’t understand then. (Foolish callow youth, etc etc.)

In all seriousness, I’m looking forward to being a dad. I surprise myself with how much it feels like a sensible step forward. It’s a new selfhood to encompass, but morgue-as-dad is not an unfamiliar concept to me. In fact for the last fifteen years I’ve regularly thought about an alternative life in which I was a father. That wouldn’t have been a bad sort of life, I came to realize. I could be a dad. I could be a really good dad.

Yeah, the surrender of control and autonomy, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit unnerved by that. Being a dad and caregiver is going to mean handing control of my world over to the little one. That’s going to be a huge change and a huge challenge, but y’know, I’m looking forward to it. I think I’m good for the challenge and I’m certain the rewards will be profound.

So I guess I’m hoping to split the difference of those two quotes. There will be a lot of dying to self; there will be some passion inferno. There will be sleepless nights and really early mornings. (Every time I sleep in I wonder if I’m being smart, because I’m doing it while I still can, or foolish, because I’m not getting myself ready for what is coming.) There will be plenty of other challenges besides.

And overall, sitting here, four-and-half months out? It feels like a privilege.

17 thoughts on “Impending Fatherhood”

  1. Andre the Giant will make an excellent father. And it may have something to do with the fact your mom demands parental greatness….

    I have also thought of a life where I am a parent. It still seems curious to me, but the end resolution is: I could do it, and rather well I think. I wouldn’t be a deadbeat dad. And that is all one can really hope for in this crazy world….

  2. Sleep in as much as you can. I cannot recommend this enough. Get as much rest now as possible, both of you. Also, if there’s any movies you want to see, or disposable income you want to be able to spend without constantly worrying about it, do that now.

    In fact: you know how when you’re a bit sick, you think “man, next time I’m feeling really well I’m going to sit down for five minutes and appreciate how great it is not feeling like crap”? Sit down and think to yourself, “wow, life is really great when I’m not covered in vomit/snot and have had a full night’s sleep.” Just, you know, appreciate it for a little while.

    Being a dad is probably the best thing in my life. Well, top three, anyway. Even on days like yesterday (rainy sunday + toilet training), top five.

  3. You’ll be fantastic Morg! And you’re right, so much dying to self. Getting up to mop up vomit when your ego says “pretend you’re asleep”. MInd you I think you’ve had a little practice in that in the last few months. And having to stick to the boundaries you’ve set them when you’re so TIRED of having to keep enforcing the rules and it would be so much easier (for the moment) to just let them have their own way… But when they smile at you, and copy what you say (cos they ADORE you), [before they get too cool], and walk like you do, and when you see the little cogs turning as they learn things and work things out, just magic! And don’t forget there are Nanas and a Grandad to call on when it all gets too hard!

  4. I remember reading _Ron the Body_ and thinking that a very strong strain of thinking about impending fatherhood, on top of the biology of being human and all that. Does it feel like deja vu now?

  5. And you and Cal will be such good parents!

    Being a parent IS a privelege. And the poo and th vomit and even the sleeplessness is just a small part really, though when you’re in it it can feel impossible.

    The best advice I got came from Ruth… whatever it is, it’s just a phase… if you are crazy tired and even putting your own clothes on is too much effort, it is just a phase, it will pass… and if your kid is doing something so cute that every time they do it you want to snuggle them and cover them with kisses or you feel as proud as if they were the first baby ever to say budda (T’s 1st identifiable word, directed at James) or poo in the toilet… go with the joy and the praise too… all just a phase but you can’t love them too much!

    And from my Mum… when it gets tough, go for a walk… even if you have to bundle yourselves up in 20 layers and wear the baby inside your raincoat you will both feel better for the fresh air and exercise 🙂

  6. I agree with Jack. You cannot sleep in too much now. I once read a parenting book which suggested you should set your alarm for 3am while you were pregnant just to get into the swing of things at waking up at 3am. This is what is known as stupid advice, and leads to good advice like – don’t read parenting books with soft-focus pictures on the cover. Because they suck. Oh yes.

    And the newborn phase is hard. Parenting is hard. And you will still come out of the end of the newborn phase feeling like nothing can prepare you for that, no matter how much you think you might be prepared.

    But having kids? It is awesome. Good luck!

  7. I remember thinking, about three months in, with the constant lack of sleep, the vomit, the showers of excrement, the screaming… that it couldn’t get much harder than looking after a newborn.

    *bitter laugh*

    Worth it though.

  8. “Showers of excrement”. Something to think about. Thanks for that, Jack.

    Thank you all for the kind words mixed in with warning words. The consistent theme is parenthood = awesome + excrement, with awesome > excrement.

    Steph: astute as always. Yep, RtB definitely had fatherhood stuff running deep in it; it heavily informed by my own feelings on what being a dad would mean. So not deja vu exactly; but clear, strong echoes between that and the present.

  9. Feeling like there is a bit of an over emphasis on the vomit and excreta and lack of sleep in these comments, if only because it doesn’t square with our experience. We were expecting things to be much worse than they turned out to be. The bad is there surely, but is only a small small part of the whole experience. And when it happens you just deal with it and move on. It truly is different when it is your own offspring.

  10. Samm: I found the newborn phase harder, and the post-newborn phase easier than I expected.

    I reckon that if babies came out at the same stage as they are when they’re a year old (putting aside the physical impossibility of that for the moment) that people would have a lot more kids, and it would be a lot easier to introduce siblings to each other.

    Morgue: the best advice I can give you is just relax, sometimes babies are just unhappy and won’t settle, and once you’ve checked the obvious things then just roll with it. And as Samm said, the bad is only a small part of the whole experience.

  11. I think the excrement was pretty much fine… except when one of them projectile pooed and when James “spilt” in my mouth because I was playing inappropriately after a feed (DON’T sing the Grand old Duke of York with ups over your head and downs immediately after a feed… but do other times once your babies neck is strong enough… giggles are good), but not worse than some stinky chemicals at work.

    I found the sleeplessness hardest, especially when I went back to work and they fed 4-5 times a night. N couldn’t settle J and, of course, wasn’t around for T… I was, as you probably recall, zomboid for months… You will look after Cal better than that!@ 🙂 I still find days after bad nights bad!

  12. ~m, I reckon the best preparation for the upcoming you are to experience is role playing. Imagine the worst possible situation and the most improbable odds. Come up with a suitable test, roll the dice and look at the snake eyes remembering the one rule of parenting. Honourable death is NOT an option. The rest can be totally achieved with a suitable rulebook, a lot of imagination and the curious mix of caffeine and saturated fats; the same that have oiled many of the best gaming sessions I’ve ever been involved in. And, pieced together, your little one will give you the best story you’ve ever run.

  13. Morgue you will have +12 when it comes to fatherhood!!

    And I think many times when people talk about the less enticing aspects of parenting they often say something like “the lack of sleep is horrendous” not so much to make you nervous, but to make you realise you’re not alone if you find it overwhelming at times.

    Katherine 😀

  14. Don’t see it as handing over control and autonomy of your world, but expanding that world to include the little one.

    That way its like going from a bike ride to a car ride. You won’t feel the wind against you, but car rides are fun in their own way, especially if you share it with cool people 🙂

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